strength...

The British people and beyond are lining up by hundreds of thousands for hours to pay respect and honour the Queen. I am awed by this public emotional outpouring of grief and admiration. What I have seen on screen, and by my friend’s accounts, who have queued for hours up on hours, to then be in Westminister Hall, to bow their heads, to report that the whole experience has been emotional, fantastic and amazing.

Why is that do you think? Your back and legs would hurt, you would be cold, you likely never met or knew this person you are devoting an entire day to. People talk of the comraderie and friendships made in that line up, the assistance and above all kindness that they have witnessed- sharing memories and what this person meant to them and their family, their history and how that might all change going forward.

Commonalites in grief. Coming together in grief and loss and change. None of this “stiff upper lip” stuff. I have watched countless grown men and women become emotional and cry as they face the coffin, not ashamed of expressing sadness or being overcome. I think it is fabulous. I think it is healing. I wish we could allow more of this emotion in our personal lives around our own experiences. It does not matter what your opinion is on the Monarchy, the Queue is a thing to behold.

We are taught or it is implicity part of our culture to “Be strong for others”, “Do not show weakness, emotion is weakness”, “Do not be sad”, “Cry and you cry alone”. We berate ourselves when we are experiencing loss to “just get on with it”, “I should be doing this better,everyone goes through this and they are fine, what’s wrong with me?” “I can’t wallow or take time off, what would people think. That is for the weak”. “I’m fine, really. It’s all fine. Everything’s fine”

Until it isn’t.

Until you can not cope with anything anymore because all the unheard loss, the lack of validation or acknowledgement that you have stuffed inside for years has piled in on itself until everything feels hopeless and grey.

No one, and I mean no one rides for free. It does not matter who you are, your money and accomplishments and health or your religion or lack thereof. Everyone experiences loss in their life.

Nova Scotia Strong! New York Strong! Boston Strong! Uvalde Strong! Orlando Strong! Abaco Strong! etc etc etc

We put so much on ourselves to have the outside appearance that WE are doing grief “right”, that we don’t allow ourselves the time and grace to feel it. To experience grief and loss and navigate our way through it,usually to a changed life and changed self. We are terrified of sitting with ourselves and our feelings. Why is that?

Let’s try replacing the word Strong with the words Compassion and Courage, Kindness and Empathy. See how that feels to you. If it feels uncomfortable, perhaps you might want to explore why that is and if it is helpful or healing to you to always be ‘strong”. Perhaps it might be kinder to let it in and feel it.

On we go,

Hilary

www.healingtheloss.com