Neatly wrapped
Have you noticed that most TV shows and movies have a grief arc?
When things are going along well, a tragedy happens to one of the main characters, and then the other main character is left to mourn, to have their dark night of the soul, and then on to the gift and meaning portion of the loss where they have overcome and things are now better and brighter.
In movies this happens within 2 hours, in a series, well that transformation takes a bit longer…but it inevitably happens.
It’s super annoying.
Because it’s not real and it sets up even more expectations for people experiencing grief and loss and those supporting them, that if you go through this hell properly, and in a timely fashion, then all will come out right and better in the end.
There is so much pressure on grievers to move on, move forward, and have “closure” (I hate that fkin word).
With the hundreds and hundreds of people I have supported over the years and all the people I know and love who have experienced great loss and change, I have yet to meet even one “stuck” in their grief.
You see The Show Must Go On even if we wish it didn’t at times. Bills must be paid, children looked after, jobs and school attended, teeth brushed, food bought, the car maintained, …and all of the minutiae of life and home and work and relationships tended.
While we are grieving. While our world as we know it has been smashed to bits. While we are exhausted and depleted and needing emotional and physical rest and a reprieve from the responsibilities and requirements of daily life. The show goes on.
The possibility is there of course, that you can make a great and meaningful, loving life for yourself after loss. We all know those who have happily remarried after a spouse died, or gone on to have more children, or new pets, new jobs, new opportunities.
The problem with that is, that is the expectation.
Going back to the TV show, streaming series, or movie that has a grief arc- every terrible thing is neatly wrapped and has a happy ending which is deceiving of the reality.
Generally, people just go on about their lives, carrying their deep loss with them, hopefully acknowledging and hnouring their loss when they can, finding some joy and contentment when they can, and functioning and living the best they can.
Let’s lessen the expectation that people need to find “the gift” in the loss and become stronger, and more enlightened through tragedy and all of the other crap we put people through.
How about we admire and support people for just getting through the day. Carrying the loss, as best they can, while the show goes on.
on we go,
Hilary